just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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