This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
