don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize