Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
