I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
