Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
