That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
