Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
