The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize