you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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