A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
