I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
