I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize