Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
