his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
