wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
