i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
