i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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