Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
