apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
