wanna go halves on a baby?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
