I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
