God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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