walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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