Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
