the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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