Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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