Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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