How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
