I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
