So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
