Ambien. No doubt about it.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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