I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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