woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
