Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
