he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
