How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
