That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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