I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
