Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
