Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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