He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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