It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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