I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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