I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
