Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
