mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
