We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
