You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I could have mohawked her pubes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
