i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
