My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
