the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
