How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
