i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I got inside last night via doggy door
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize