woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
