Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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