my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
