ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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