Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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